This is a single pastor’s pov (point of view), but I think any person can benefit. Been compiling this for a bit …get some tea ☕️.
#TheBubbleBurst These last few years of “opening myself up” to a potential future mate has left me like “whew chile, y’all can have this back,” unsettling my soul😩. But, last night, I finally “got it.” Nothing deep. Maybe I just finally acknowledged the obvious.
I am a pastor (not that 😁). While dealing with a coronavirus concern, in addition to a ‘mountain of mole hills,’ we serve so many others in their emotional moments. And we love helping, finding fulfillment in God’s call.
In the meantime, we, or maybe just “we, the me,” don’t have the luxury of processing our own emotions. What we go through – majority cannot see it and fewer can ‘get it.’ We just keep going. It is the nature of the service. No pity. #builtforit
#MatureNotManage Now, here is where I gained some clarity. I have been asking the Lord, “Why is it difficult for ME to navigate my own feelings?” – this is about the boy / girl kind, to be clear😉.
Give me ministry – done ✅; give me a project – handled ✅; give me a crisis – calm, collected, killing it ✅; need a counselor – crushing it ✅; preach – here for it ✅. But, dealing with these things called “personal feelings” – 🛑 wait, what 👀.
You rattle me, and I am from 0 to 7, to 52, to bam 💥 forget it. #Why? My conclusion: The variables are not predictable, and I cannot use my skill sets to “fix it” 🥺😤🙅🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️🥴🤛🏾.
I am better now, on a scale of 1-10, I am down to 12, Lolol. I AM LEARNING A NEW #LIFE SKILL🤭. Your imperfections take nothing from you. Your honesty gives you space to grow.
#ThatManMakesMe A #mature, solid man calms me. He is clear in his intentions and steady. No drama😍. A #grown man after an understanding is reassuring, because his intentions are clear🥰. But that #inconsistent one, this man will incite an internal riot 🤡 (for women, in general, and especially me). And a woman’s first response to feeling unsafe is to leave that “place,” in a hurry.
I am working – tempering myself, allowing myself to feel …my feelings. And, it’s rough, y’all. For years, my “feelings range” was connected to miracles, compassion for others’ welfare, seeing others blessed, and in death. Ministry is what I knew best.
And meanwhile, the man who did love me unconditionally, died unexpectedly. Then the man who truly cared as a friend, cheered for me, would catch a flight for me, and opened national doors for me, he died suddenly, too. Gone. Lord, Lord. Empty. Hurt. Didn’t realize how much each meant and did for me, until after.
Now, I am meeting new “kinds” of ‘man people,’ and it is different 😷. Who was raised by pawpaw and Unc? We can relate. The ones raised by dm’s and girls 🏃🏾♀️ after you, it does not compute. Thank God, there are still some GREAT, chivalrous men. #boss
#WoodenNickels It takes a mature, solid person to understand the weight of ANY pastor. When they “see” you in that context, he or she does not treat you like a wooden nickel. (I will explain.)
If someone always brings uncertainty to your space, causes emotional tailspins, cannot commit, leaves you in limbo, or handles you the SAME WAY as the guy or gal on social media that they👍🏽 for tight shirts and mini skirts, you already know they see you as ‘just a another male or female.’ The God-part of your value does not register. Clears thoak (throat), ‘Excuse me, sir’ …👉🏽🚪.
#TheLoads Pastors facilitate public, stable environments where there is chaos. That takes a lot! It is mental, emotional, and spiritual work. Any person who has even thought about what pressures a pastor deals with, would never ADD to their mental stress or emotional distress.
But, someone who cannot understand the call on you cannot help but aggravate 🤨 you. That person is either not built for you and what God gave you or has yet to gain an understanding of it.
🗣Please LISTEN: If a pastor (or called person, I should say) has to turn and carry extra personal #loads where they should be able to #unload, you will see them react to #overload. The call won’t quit but they will quit on you. Even if they did not want to.
#DoingTooMuchButNotEnough Here is my #AHA moment. My💡came on, a realization that I must accept. Simple but so powerfully true.
👉🏽Only a ready, committed and consistent person should even consider a relationship with a pastor.👈🏽
Ready to explore marriage potential at a slow but steady pace – what is known as courtship, not random dating. #Committed to pursuing the relationship with that person – investing time and attention. #Consistent in honoring them like they honor you – there is just no “play games” time. Those days are done. If that is too much #to you, you will be too much #for them to deal with. Period.
#WholenessInSingleness Make no mistake, I found wholeness in my singleness, though it is sometimes treated in church as something that needs to be “fixed.” I know the gift of singleness and love the perks.
Top biblical leaders were in fact single. The same God and Spirit who filled and anointed them still do the same for us – singles like Paul, Anna, Martha, Jeremiah, Lydia… and perhaps you heard of Jesus.
Also, keep in mind, a Pastor is not looking for another Pastor to marry. A Pastor is a PERSON who has a call to fulfill, a human who prays to meet their soul mate – not a play date, not a social media bae, not to be prey, but someone to love, share life with, and laugh a lot with – another person.
It amazes me that a single MALE PASTOR gets encouraged to seek out and marry a Christian vixen boo who is not “just” churchy only, and the FEMALE PASTOR is told, wait, God is building you a man, he ‘needs’ to be a powerful man, probably a Pastor. 🗣Stoppppppppp! A good godly man and good godly woman who will love, respect, and honor each other – that is the goal. #LoveAndHappiness
▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️CH. 8 The End
#iWillSayThisThough It is werk, working through these raw and turbulent things called ‘feelings,’ BUT they are so worth exploring. I am on the journey, because I am headed somewhere and want to be prepared.😊
Oh, and Yep, still celebate and holding. It is no joke. Perfect all 20+ years? By no means. But I am not taking bae-cations with it, hopping on and off. Steady. Ready. Not desperate. The wedding day will be delightful.
I hope this helps someone. It did me. You all know my Let’s Talk Live conversations. I just talk about it, because I am not the only one.
👉🏽 I tell y’all what! When I get married, you nevaaaa have to worry about seeing me want to be in the 2020 world of singlehood, again. Too much. Too much.
One day I will talk about how temptation heightens in times of high-pressure assignments. Do not work with the dove and then let the devil throw your celebration party.
This is just some topical writing, not a theological read. I also have thoughts on what does it look like in the church for a woman pastor to marry a non-pastoring man.
(I know this carries over into other professions. Duly noted. God bless you.)